I'm going to leave up all the questions and answers I've done so far, but henceforth I will be posting only the names, locations, and questions in the e-mails, once a week. It's significantly less work for me, but this way you can still quickly check to see if your e-mail has been read, and if it has, you can look it up on YouTube. I know some of you expressed appreciation for everything being archived in a more secure form than YouTube videos, but I just have to keep things low-maintenance. I hope this is still somewhat helpful for you all.

June 23: Siempre hay tiempo song

Derrick in Chilliwack, BC: My wife wants to crochet hats and scarves for our three cats, but I don’t think this is a good idea. Please advise.

Al in Austin, TX: Hey Craig, why don’t you give out donuts for a change instead of candy?

Gary in Winsor Locks, CT: Hey Craig, when I watch baseball, how come they sing Take Me Out to the Ball Game when they’re already at the ball game?


June 24: Drive-in song

Stegal in Bonne Terre, MO: Dear Craig, I’m e-mailing you from my phone; how cool is that? Anyway, do you play guitar hero?

Joe in Jakes, OH: Dear Craig, give me candy me love you long time.

Rich in New Canaan, CT: Craig, have you ever had any crazy out of control audience members on your show?


June 25: No time song

Megan in St. Paul, MN: Dear Craig, my boyfriend Bobby gets jealous every night when I watch your show because he gets no attention. Can you tell him to fuck off?

Patty in Seattle, WA: Hi Craig, if the people on Lost have been on the island for three years, how come the fat guy hasn’t lost any weight?

John in Monkey’s Eyebrows, KY: Craig, please read my e-mail ‘cause my town has a strange name.


June 26: Jack baby tonight song

Keenan in Des Moines, IA: Why aren’t there bulletproof pants?

Jo in Boise, ID: Hi Craig, I was wondering what “chilling” means. My sixteen-year-old daughter said she was “chilling” last night. Do I need to worry?


June 27: No time song

Jorge in Bristol, TN: Dear Craig, I would love to be on your show. Do you ever book no-name, talentless guests? P.S. Do you pay airfare and hotel because I have no money.

Michael in Mason, OH: Dear Craig, how come the claw game where you try to grab stuff is impossible to win?

Randy in P-something [long discussion about “randy” and “fanny” as slang in the US and UK]: Dear Craig, will you start highlighting the e-mails with a different color? Yellow is so cliché.

Soon!

June 9: No time song

Ashley in Toronto, ON: Do you cut your sandwiches diagonal or horizontal?

John in Palm Harbor, FL: Dear Craig, are you different in real life or are you always a crazy?


June 10: Siempre hay tiempo song

Linda in Peoria, IL: Hi Craig, my husband and I are going to Scotland and we were wondering if you could ask your mother to let us use your old room while we’re there?

Rivvy in St. Joseph, MO: Dear Craig, do you like to think big and kick ass? [“You bet I do!”]

Brian in Boaz, AL: Dear Craig, I thought I heard your voice in a cartoon the other day and I was just wondering if you ever did a voice for a cartoon?


June 11: There’s always time for e-mail; they come from near and far. Let’s go to the drive-in and I’ll feel you up in my car. Second base!

Jerry in Spring, TX: Have you realized with the disappearance of phone booths, Superman will have to change clothes in his cell phone?

Amanda in Chatham: Have you ever brushed your teeth and noticed there was a hair in your toothbrush? Gross.

Brian in Blaine, MN: Dear Craig, ever since I got a recliner and a single malt whiskey, you got eleven percent funnier.


June 12: Bowie song

Luke in Tuscon, AX: Why is your studio audience so weird?

Dallace in Yuba City: Have you ever seen anyone’s name spelled like mine?

John in Elmer, ON: Craig, when you return from commercials you always say you want one of each thing advertised. Last night that would have included two hot date lines, a car, and some kind of high-absorption rags. What exactly would you do with these items?


June 13: Ganja song

Monique in Milwaukee, WI: Hey Craig, we have front row tickets to your upcoming show. What should we wear? How do women dress at your shows? [“Dress like a prostitute. ‘Cause I will.”]

Wayne in Toronto: Craig, if you were Spider-Man would you use your web to catch a bat or a hot chick?

E-mail song: Ganja song

Shelley in Santee, CA: Dear Craig, help! What the heck has happened to all the colored toilet paper? I'd like to buy some in pale pink, but it doesn't seem to exist anymore.

Craig: You know, that's true! You can only get white toilet paper now. That doesn't seem right at all. However, I do find myself in an extremely dangerous area of comedy. Hmm, a dilemma: do I press on and try and appear charming and negotiate my way through this terribly difficult area, or pretend it never happened? [Craig slides the e-mail off his desk.] Oh, the e-mail fell off the side of my desk, and I can't remember what it said, but that's alright because the director didn't get a shot of it, so.

Greg in Anchorage, AK: Hey Craig, how come all the late night show hosts drink coffee?

Craig: I don't drink coffee, look! Can you see--no, forget it; he'll never get into that cup. I drink water; that's all I've got is fizzy water in here. [Craig gargles.] What was that story about the kid that had Pop Rocks and Coca-Cola and then, the guy on the Wheaties box? Mikey, was it Mikey? He's fine, he's fine. There used to be this urban legend that Mikey on the Wheaties box ate Pop Rocks and then drank cola at the same time and died! Which is impossible! Anyway I believe Mikey on the Wheaties box is fine, isn't he? And, my condolences to his family.

[NB: Life, not Wheaties!]

Joe Ferguson in Hamilton, ON: [Craig points out a girl who "just yawned, right in my face! Listen, I've seen women yawning before. Usually I'm not wearing clothes, but. Wow. Lovely teeth you have, by the way."] Craig, I think you are my father. ["What?"] What were you doing on the date of September the first, 1985?

Craig: Let me consult my diary. [Craig takes out paper and quill.] No, that's not right, you don't write your diary twenty years after. It's just fizzy water, I'm telling you. September the first, 1985; I would have been twenty three. Holy crap. Well, where, though, in Canada? No. ... Oh. Any um, discomfort I may appear to have at the moment is not legally binding. No, of course not; I'm not your father, Joe. Little Joey.

E-mail song: Funk you up song

Darryl in Florence: Hi Craig, I'm thirteen and I can't always stay up to watch the Late Late Show, so can you chang [sic] it to the not-so-late show?

Craig: No, I can't chang it. Also, you young fella, m'lad. You want to be working on your spelling. Not staying up late watching vulgar lounge entertainers not say a word that rhymes with cleaver.

Djerdj in Washington, DC: Dear Craig, you're pretty famous right now. ["Right there, you're wrong."] How come we haven't seen you in any drug sex controversy scandals yet?

Craig: I've done them all. I've never lied to you. I've been in many drug sex contro--some all at the same time--drugs, sex, all at the same time. But unfortunately that was before there were phone cameras. Haha! Take that, young people! Haha. That's one of the great things, people say grandchildren are God's compensation for growing old. Not so; my compensation for growing old is the fact that I was crazy in a time when there was no internet. Haha! Take that, MySpace Paris--no, what's his name--Perez Hilton, and all those guys. Although I dare say I could be picked apart for something, you know. If someone wants to get involved in some kind of sex drugs scandal with me. I'll be done in about half an hour. Actually it would give me something to talk about in the monologue, quite frankly.

Frankie in Craig, CO: Dear Craig, is my town named after you?

Craig: Yeah.

Becky in Memphis: What kind of candy do you give your audience?

Craig: Well, we do give the audience candy, don't we? What did you get? Some kind of tiny, fun-sized candy bars. Which are great because they make your hands look big. I love them. That, and the mini-burgers and everything. Ohh, White Castle; I like White Castle because they make my hands look huge. And then you get the little mini-burger and you stand naked in front of the mirror holding the mini-burger right here. And you say, Who's the whopper now, bitch?

E-mail: Gabba gabba hey song

Jason in Garden City, MI: Dear Craig, how long does it take for an e-mail to be read on air from the time it's sent to you?

Craig: Let's see, this was sent June the second at 10:59 pm. And it's now, whatever time it is in your region. So there's your answer.

Amy in Gastonia: You forgot our date this weekend.

Craig: I'm terribly sorry. I'm sorry, Amy, that I forgot our date this weekend. Why don't you phone the doctor, and tell the doctor that the man on TV forgot to meet you this weekend. Oh god, Amy! Amy, no, I'm sorry! Amy, I completely forgot; you're right. I'll send you chocolates.

[Craig looks at other e-mails.] That's in French, I won't read that.

Jamal in Minneapolis: Hey sexy man! ["Hey Jamal!"] I was just wondering, how do you throw out garbage cans? I mean if they're empty, they won't take them.

Craig: That is true! How can you possibly ever get rid of a garbage can? You'd have to put a garbage can inside another garbage can. So you'd have to get a new garbage can, put your old garbage can inside that garbage can and fill it with garbage, or maybe pack garbage around the side of it. That makes me want to go to the bathroom. I can't--I'm kind of upset by that. How do you throw out garbage cans? I know we don't have any time, I don't give a fiddledee-dee-dee! It's a Tongan word!

Scott in Santa Cruz, CA: My friends and I are coming to town for the MPP--Marijuana Policy Project party at the Playboy mansion on June twelfth. I want to know if you would like to attend with us.

Craig: No. I'm going to my own.

E-mail song: Supermodel song

Matt in Berkeley, CA: [Side interlude about people in Berkeley eating bugs and driving in Bugs and being scientists] Dear Craig, my girlfriend wants to get married; what should I do?

Craig: Well, there's a clue here, he's got a girlfriend, so he's clearly not a scientist. No, [repeats question] well it depends, Matt, really. Does she want to get married to you? If she wants to get married to you, then you're on your own, pal. Yes or no? And, you know the thing is, I've been married a couple of times, and--it was an accident--but I, anyway. I noticed that you have to ask them, unless it's a leap year, right? If you're a man, you have to ask a woman to marry you, unless it's a leap year and then the woman can ask the man to marry you. Is it a leap year this year? But it's past the 29th, so you're home free, I'd say. Yes, that's right, get relationship advice from me. The guy who's been married twice.

Mimi ["Oh it's not from the fictional character from a show that I used to be on."] in Pueblo, CA: Hey Craig, why does bacon get all rippled when it's cooked?

Craig: You know, that's a good question. I think what happens is, bacon is part of an animal; I don't know if you knew that. And what happens is, residual nerve endings are in the bacon flesh and I think as it heats, it kind of goes Oh! Ahhh... [Craig cringes in pain.] Like that, and parts of it just go, Ahhh... like that. I don't know, Mimi; I'm not a scientist!

Julia in St. Louis, MO: Do you dance when no one is watching?

Craig: You'll never know. I do many things when no one is watching. And some things I do when someone is watching. And some things I do when no one's watching. And things I do when watching people are doing watch. Don't you love it when people say absolute crap and they give that kind of knowing face, so you're kind of like, What is he saying? And he goes, Knowing I watch know what you do. Mm-hmm. What the hell does that mean? Oh, you know. But I don't know.

E-mail song: Pirate song ("Call me, Long John. ... That was a slip of the tongue!")

Norm in Vancouver, BC: Dear Craig, our city is hosting the 2010 winter Olympics. I thought it'd be great if you hosted your show from our city during that time. I could probably hook you up with tickets to the two-man luge.

Craig: Two-man luge, you say, eh? Alright. I'll do it, actually. I'll do it. Canada, send the cash; I'll be right there. Don't send it in Canadian money though, proper money. Euros. I know. I can't go back and visit anybody in the old country right now; I can't afford it. I happen to have all my money in dollars, and fifty bucks doesn't go that far over there these days.

Elizabeth in Tampa, FL: Dear Craig, why do you always say "We can cut that out" but you never do?

Craig: That's not true, actually. We do cut a lot of stuff out and you don't see it. That's not true. We can't afford to shoot anything we don't actually show you. So we don't cut anything out. What you see is what you get. Remind you of anyone?

Sean in Hartford, CT: Dear Craig, if you ever became a politician, what would your first scandal be?

Craig: Well, one night in a hotel in Berlin. Maybe that's true, maybe it's not. It is.

Mo 5/26: Jason Segel, Connie Schultz (R 4/25/08)
Tu 5/27: Jeff Bridges, Sophia Myles, Grand Archives (R 4/30/08)
We 5/28: Ewan McGregor, Morrissey (R 4/28/08)
Th 5/29: Kal Penn, Lake Bell (R 5/2/08)
Fr 5/30: Felicity Huffman, Mike Doughty (R 5/7/08)

Thanks to http://www.interbridge.com/lineups.html#LLS

E-mail song: Siempre hay tiempo para el correo electronico. There's always time; it's e-mail time with Craig, Ole!

Mark in Dayton, O-high-o: [Side interlude about Ricola and other Swiss contributions] Hey Craig, why do women always go to the bathroom together?

Craig: I don't think they do, really. Oh I suppose when you're in a restaurant, or something like that, and women always go--I don't know why they--they're probably plotting. They're probably plotting--Mark, they're probably plotting your downfall. I know what you're thinking: they're wondering if they should have a threesome with you. They are not having that conversation. They're not. We always think they are having that conversation; they are never having that conversation. The conversation will probably be like this: I've got those shoes! I know; they're great aren't they? Let's kill Mark. Okay!

Bill in San Antonio, TX: [Side interlude about armed Texans--"Every time I go to Texas, something good happens. I think you know what I'm saying."] Hey Craig, why do you think talk show hosts never sneeze while taping a show?

Craig: I don't know. Um, I've sneezed a couple of times on this show. But never--I always do it during the commercials. I hold the sneezes. That's what makes me different from ordinary humans. Ordinary humans, when they need to sneeze, you guys are all like [pre-sneeze face]. I'm like this [blank stare]. I could be really needing to sneeze right now, and I'd be like this. And you know how I do it? Groin control. I force the sneeze to my groin, and then I clutch it there until it's ready to go. Sometimes I save it until I go to Texas.

Thanks to kagomeshuko for helping me with the e-mail song lyrics!

E-mail song: No, there's no time for e-mail, there's no time for e-mail, we are out of time, you went too long with all your noises, and your cheeky monkeys, and your frisky badgers, we are out of time, there is no time. Oh no, there's no time for e-mail, there's no time for e-mail, we are out of time, we really really have to hurry, there's no time for jingles, or for dancing monkeys, we are out of time, there is no time, there is no time, there is no time. No time!

Gwendolyn in Vancouver: Hi Craig, are the e-mails you read during the show real, or are they just written by some intern who you keep chained to a computer?

Craig: Is this written by Gwendolyn, who we keep chained to the computer? "I guess I'll never really know until you read this." There you are, Gwendolyn, now you know. Plus, you're fired.

Sara in Kingwood, TX: ["Perhaps Kingwood would like to meet Queen Gwendolyn, I don't know. Nevermind." I'm out of the top twenty now, I can feel it. Probably about forty-seven, forty-eight. Thundering through the floor. I don't know with this show if I'm going to be able to stay in the top hundred funniest people."] Hi Craig, you would make my day if you would sing Clang Clang Clang Goes the Trolley song. It's been a rough week and I am amused easily.

Craig: Yeah well I'm having a rough week too. ... [exasperated sigh] Clang clang clang goes the trolley!

I didn't transcribe the e-mails for today, but they are on YouTube! Thanks, 0mnicient!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6w614yaKcNg

Also, I love Dave Barry so much.

http://blogs.herald.com/dave_barrys_blog/2008/05/raffle-your-dou.html

E-mail song: Yes there's time for e-mail, open your attachments, download in my inbox. (Junk mail!) Put some more ram in your hard drive. Don't you send a virus!

Amanda in Sunnyside, WA: Why do toasters ALWAYS have a setting that burns the toast beyond a horrible crisp which no decent human being would ever eat?

Craig: You know, I get asked this question all the time. And look, she's very angry about it 'cause she's put "always" in capital letters. Why do toasters ALWAYS... What I'm doing here, this is me acting, see? I see the always, and I go, Hmm, I see, so what the writer wants me to do is act the "always"--why do toaster ALWAYS! I don't know, actually, why toasters always have--well, I'll tell you why, I like my toast burnt. I do, I like my toast burnt. I was gonna say I like my--no, I'm not going to say that. Get yourself in too much trouble if you don't watch it. I'm already in the doghouse with the lighting guy.

Nancy in Kennewick, WA: Hi Craig, my husband and I watch your show together. ["That's delightful, thank you."] Could you ask him for me that I want a divorce?

Craig: First of all, there may be more than one Kennewick in Washington. I wonder what his name is. You kind of want to have the guy's name if you're going to break news like this. Look, if you're married to a woman called Nancy, and you're watching this show in Washington... It's probably a joke, anyway. It's probably a joke. Hope you got a pre-nup.

Vishala in Trinidad, West Indies: ["Is that a he or a she? I don't know. It's one of those names, you can't tell, you know, like Karen."] Dear Craig, why do you always ask if there's time for an e-mail when you already know the answer? There's always time for an e-mail!

Craig: You've got a girls name! And there's no more time for any more e-mails; we gotta go.

E-mail song: Yes there's time for e-mail, open your attachments, download in my inbox. (Junk mail!) Put some more ram in your hard drive. Don't you send a virus!

Karen in Dove Canyon, CA: Why's a round pizza put in a square box?

Craig: You know, that's a very good question. [Craig throws the e-mail away.] Square pizza? Not in this man's America, buddy. You want square pizza, the next thing you'll be doing is putting pineapple on your pizza, and don't even think about that. [Craig points at the camera.] You know, some things are funny, but pineapple on your pizza is not funny. Not even on your half of the pizza--don't even put it on your half of the pizza! 'Cause that's like I somehow endorse pineapple, and I don't endorse pineapple. I got nothing against Hawaiians; I like Hawaiian people; they're adorable, but no pineapple on the pizza! Sorry, I've been to Scotland; I'm fiesty.

Travis in Dallas, TX: Hello Craig, you've been skipping so many e-mails lately. Why are you being so picky?

Craig throws the e-mail away.

Alice in Chicago, IL: Have you sneezed in the shower before?

Craig: I get asked this a lot. I do; people are always coming up--I have, I'm sure, at some point. The thing is, the sneezes I remember are not the private sneezes I have in the shower. The sneezes I remember--you know how sometimes, you sneeze and then you fart, and you didn't even know, you didn't even know you had a fart, like, ready? I don't know the correct way to say it, but you like, you sneeze, and then there's that time delay? So that the sound of the sneeze doesn't cover it up? And then if somebody does it in the room and you say Bless you, you don't even know what you're saying Bless you for? They might think you're saying it for the fartiness. And then you have to say, No, I'm European.

E-mail song: E-mail time is now before us; join us as we sing the chorus. Step right up to the freak show! Sword swallower, bearded lady, and the most freakish spectacle of all, the Amazing Ferguson reading the e-mails, guaranteed to shock and disturb young and old.

Lauren in Destruction Bay, Yukon: [Craig imitates pirates talking about Destruction Bay.] How can I make it warmer up here?

Craig: Well, you know, I guess you could try and increase your carbon footprint. We're all trying to do that. Or um, you--I don't know if she means warmer up here in the Yukon or warmer up here in [gestures around chest] this area. Maybe some kind of fur bra. Fuuurrr brahhh. You know what, if there's such thing as a fur bra, and I really hope there is, if I was a lady, and I had a fur bra, I would wear it, you know, outside-in. Oooh yeah, that's what mama likes. I am so high.

Greg in Dallas, TX: [Side interlude about how people in Texas drive well because they think everyone else has a gun] Have you noticed how all people's houses smell different when you walk in?

Craig: I have! What would I smell if I walked into your house? You would smell a sweaty desperate man. No I think what you would smell if you walked into my house is probably--the realtors tell you, if you want to sell your house, you'll have the smell of coffee in your house. So I have a Starbucks in my front hall. That's right; I live in a Starbucks. No, I really do; help me.

E-mail song: No, there's no time for e-mail, there's no time for e-mail, we are out of time, you went too long with all your noises, and your cheeky monkeys, and your frisky badgers, we are out of time, there is no time. Oh no, there's no time for e-mail, there's no time for e-mail, we are out of time, we really really have to hurry, there's no time for jingles, or for dancing monkeys, we are out of time, there is no time, there is no time, there is no time. No time!

Renee in Bismark, ND: [Side interlude about shaving his entire body] Craig, how come I get thirsty every time I brush my teeth?

Craig: I have no idea. That's a weird question. You get thirsty every time you brush your teeth; you're right there next to the faucet--have a drink! It's not like you're in the Kalahari Desert. I mean, you're using water; have a drink of water. Unless you're in one of those countries where you can't drink the water. Which I can't say for legal reasons. You know what I'm talking about. You know fine well which countries I mean, don't drink the water or even have the ice cubes. Or there will be a revenge taken on you, so swift and so terrible, it will be as if you had shaved your entire body, but only in one area.

Jimmy in Brooklyn, IA: ["Wow, Brooklyn's getting big!"] Dear Craig, why is there no mouse-flavored cat food?

Craig: Fair question. I don't know that there isn't a mouse-flavored cat food. I think what it is is, in order to get the mouse flavor, the scientists would have to actually eat a mouse to see what it tasted like. Bear with me--they would eat the mouse, and then they would go, Hmm tastes a bit like uh, chicken? And then they would put it into the cat food. But all the scientists are thinking like, Oh no. I don't want to eat a mouse. So, not even for science. Plus, cats don't care; they'll eat anything. A cat will eat you if you die in your house. Your cat--I've told you before, many times--don't come to me when you're dead and your cat eats you. Don't you be e-mailing me, Dear Craig, I died and my cat ate me. P.S. Why do I sound like your mother? I'm pretty high tonight.

Brandy in Climax, MI: ["Do your own joke."] Dear Craig, are you aware that you can buy pillowcases with your picture on them on eBay? They're fantastic! Would you ever consider buying one so you could sleep with yourself?

Craig: I didn't know you could do that. Is that true? That's awesome. I don't need a pillow to sleep with myself. All I need's a quiet moment.

E-mail song: Roll me to e-mail, Jack baby, tonight. Two e-mails, rocks, with a twist; that's right baby.

Dick in Cedar Rapids, IA: Hi Craig, when you're staying at a hotel, do you ever fold over the corners on the first sheet of toilet paper so housekeeping won't know you've used the roll?

Craig: Why would you do that? Once you've actually booked into the room, you are entitled to use the toilet paper. It's part of the entire package. Sometimes you get breakfast, sometimes you don't, but you always get use of the toilet roll.

Justin in Fort Worth, TX: Dear Mr. Craig, I need another man's opinion on this. Is it weird for a guy to shave his legs?

Craig: Well, it depends on where you are. I mean, in Europe, no, it's not weird for a guy in Europe to shave his legs. In Texas, ooh yeah. Yeah, in fact, I'd keep that quiet down in Fort Worth, Texas. "Hey fellas, I shaved my legs!" "We like our men hairy in Texas!"

Bob in St. Louis, MO: [Side interlude about Missour-uh and St. Lou-ee and Hoo-ston] Since the show is live, shouldn't you start the show proclaiming that it was a great day for America, excluding bad days, of course?

Craig: [Craig throws the paper away.] These are all rubbish. Or for our Spanish-speaking audience, basura.

Dee in Sacramento: If you were the fifth Beatle, what instrument would you play?

Craig: if I were the fifth Beatle, I'd be like seventy years old by now. Wasn't there a fifth Beatle; what was his name, Pete Best? He was the drummer, I think, before Ringo. Pete Best, he was the guy they got rid of when they got Ringo, and then they became The Beatles. Think Pete Best wakes up every morning and looks in the mirror and goes, Oh no! I'm Pete Best! Urgh! That must be rough though, to be the guy, I'm the guy who was in the Beatles before they got famous. He was a drummer, wasn't he, and then they got Ringo, who's uh--is he a drummer? Yeah. He's underestimated as a drummer; a lot of people think he's not a good drummer; he's an excellent drummer. There, I said it. He is; he always comes in on the down beat. Remind you of anyone? Yes, well that's it. That's all the e-mail we have time for. That's all the e-mail we have.

E-mail song: Yes, Craig, there's always time for e-mail. Launch the rocket and we sail. Flying to e-mail.

Alice in Meeteetse, WY: [Side interlude about a piece of peanut stuck in his teeth, which his tongue keeps going to] "Do you ever have something in your mouth, and your tongue keeps going to it?" [He plays romantic music. "Do ya know... what I'm sayin'..." [Stops music] "What was that? That was like, pirates getting sexy." [Starts music] "Arrr... Hey, let me ask ya. Did ya ever have somethin' in yer mouth, and yer tongue kept goin' to it?" [Stops music] Dear Craig, can you hold your eyes open when you sneeze?

Craig: I probably could, but I'm too busy sneezing. I don't have time for playing games when I'm sneezing. Sneezing's a kind of--did you ever sneeze and fart at the same time? No, but you don't think that you want to--you don't even think that there's one there? You think it's all about a sneeze, you know, and you're like, Oh, I don't need to worry; I live in a civilized society; this is America where sneezing is permitted as long as you take the precautions of covering--Achoo. And then the fart... That is the most awesome thing that can happen. No, the most awesome thing that can happen is you got something in your mouth and your tongue keeps going to it.

I didn't transcribe the e-mails for today, but they are on YouTube! Thanks, 0mnicient!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9fXbApLZ9wE

E-mail song: Yes it’s e-mail, email time again. Put out your ganja; it’s time to check the mail.

Sophie in San Diego, CA: Dear Craig, have you ever found a cartoon character attractive?

Craig: I have, actually, yes! Jessica Rabbit. That is a sexy rabbit. Not even a rabbit; she's not even a rabbit. She's a drawing of a lady who's married to a rabbit, and any lady that's freaky enough to get it on with a rabbit... Get it on with a rabbit! It's a rabbit! I don't care; I'm just too sexy. Remember Jessica Rabbit in Who Framed Roger Rabbit? Not a rabbit--a lady, who's married to a rabbit. Because they're in love. I always was quite attracted to Donald Duck as well. Because, well I went through a period when I was a teenager. Because he doesn't wear any pants, just a little waistcoat.

Amber in Chickamauga, GA: Dear Craig, will you be my father figure?

Craig: I don't know; what does that entail? Yeah, I will, alright, get to bed! Do your homework; tidy your room! That what you had in mind? Or was it something creepier? Want some candy? You want some candy? Alright.

Pam in Crandall, TX: Craig, what do you suggest I do to prepare for a pregnancy test?

Craig: If you don't know how to prepare for a pregnancy test, perhaps you shouldn't be up this late... Perhaps you shouldn't be pregnant. The best way--it depends what results you're looking for, but really if you want to prepare for a pregnancy test, really what you want to do is have sex. That way it gives you the Am I Aren't I? Put a bit of Ohhh! into it. 'Cause if you don't have any sex at all and you take a pregnancy test, you kind of know what's coming, right? I mean once, alright, once it happened, but that was only once. And that was before pregnancy tests. I see I'm veering into some dangerous water.

E-mail song: Yes, it's e-mail time. Supermodel London Paris Tokyo time. And little white lines, of e-mail tonight.

Russ in San Jose, CA: Are you the same Craig Ferguson who borrowed five dollars from me and never paid me back?

Craig: Yes! Yes, I am. I don't think so. Why are you applauding me Welshing on a bet? Hooray, you never paid him back, haha. Screw Russ; he's a loser. No, I'll pay--Russ, send me your details and I'll get the five dollars to you. I'm terribly sorry about that. By the way, the car still runs. That's alright, I don't know what I'm talking about either.

Wolfgang in Waikiki Beach, HI: [Side interlude about surfing in Hawaii] "What I did, there was a guy from San Jose giving surfing lessons for five bucks." [Side interlude about Wolfgang Puck and tiny little burgers that make your hands look huge] Do you have an entourage when you travel?

Craig: No, there's only one guy who comes with me when I travel. He's the guy who follows me around; I owe him five bucks; he's from San Jose.

E-mail song: Yes, Craig, there's always time for e-mail. Launch the rocket and we sail. Flying to e-mail.

Scott in Roland, TX: Dear Craig, why is it that people say that they slept like a baby, when babies wake up like every two hours?

Craig: Maybe because they woke up every two hours. People say they slept like a log as well; that's not very nice, is it? Slept like a... slept like a log, slept like a badger, that's one I say. Slept like a possum. Slept like a... slept like a German. I'm sorry, I can't let it go. I don't know why; it's like a Tourette's thing or something. I'm sorry; I will not do it. I slept like a German. [Craig's body turns stiff, and he peeks through one eye.] Oh, so comfortable! Mmmm. Alright, that's enough of that. I don't know why I can't let this go. Let it go! Mmm, I will.

Michael in Vancouver, BC: Dear Craig, since you had Hugh Laurie on show 666, does that mean he's now a haunted House?

Craig: You should probably write for this show.

Ella in Calgary, Canada: Dear Craig, I found out recently I have to get braces soon. ["I'm sorry, Ella."] Have you ever had braces? Your teeth are so straight.

Craig: [A camera shows his tie in apparent anticipation of Craig turning that way for a mouth close-up.] That's a shot of my tie. Hey where's the guy with the haunted House joke, maybe he can direct the damn show. I had a tooth out, look, see that gap? Yeah, I have to get an implant put in there. I never had braces when I was a kid, they just grew in straight. I think I was just lucky. But the bottom teeth are not straight; look at that. Here, there. But you see, that's the thing, they go, Quick! You have to get that straightened out. And I would think, Why? I'm 46 next week; I've got a tooth that's a big wiggly, off-center, big deal. Yeah but it could be like that for the rest of your life! Mmm-hmm. Yeah, I'm going to have a slightly off-center tooth for the rest of my life. Not much is gonna change if I get that straightened, you know. Or maybe it is. Maybe this is finally my passage to the big time. I don't know, I'll think about it. What was the question again? Have I had braces; no, I haven't had braces. Well, I've worn braces. I've worn braces, well you know, in the old country, they call suspenders braces. They keep your pants up. You couldn't keep your pants up with teeth braces. Well, you could, but it would be hell going through the metal detector at the airport; it wouldn't make any sense. I'm rambling now.

E-mail song: Siempre hay tiempo para el correo electronico. There's always time; it's e-mail time with Craig, Ole!

Jackie in Acapulco, Mexico: Dear Craig, what do you want for your birthday?

Craig: Um. It's my birthday soon. It's May 17th. Yes, it's my birthday! I don't know. I'd like the impossible for my birthday; I'd like to be not older on my birthday. I'm going to be 46. I know. Snow on the roof [gestures towards head]. A little bit of snow on the windows [gestures towards chest]. Maybe some snow in the basement. Haha. That could be dangerous. I don't need to be distinguished in the basement. I'm sorry; I'm creeping myself out. How did I go from a lovely question like "What do you want for your birthday?" to my trouser department? I am so sorry. [Craig grins.] What would I like for my birthday? I would like... Chocolate. No, that's a stupid thing to say, isn't it? Yeah, alright; I would like--what's advertised on CBS? The uh, the bedazzler. I want a bedazzler. Don't send me a bedazzler. If you've got a bedazzler, hang on to it; you clearly need it.

Anthony in Newark, NJ: Dear Craig, listen up. New Jersey is not New York. Seriously, you're a citizen now, and you should know that.

Craig: I happened to mention last night that I was in New York, which is near New York. Yes, I am a citi'en--a sittin'... I'm a-sittin'. I'm a-sittin' [sings]; I'm a-sittin' at my desk, readin' my e-mails; along comes Anthony givin' me crap. What I mean is... What I meant, Anthony, is that I was in New York, and I went to New Jersey. It was a slip of the tongue. I didn't mean in any way to imply that New Jersey was New York. It's not; it's not, and I've been to New York; there's a lovely airport there. You know what they've got in New Jersey as well--here's a story; it's true. They've got a town called Kearney in New Jersey. It's spelt K-E-A-R-N-E-Y--Kearney. And it's not carnies who live there. Some of the people look like carnies, but they're not carnies. What happened in Kearney, in the 1950s there used to be a carpet factory in Scotland, and it was an American company, and they decided that they liked the people so much that they wanted to move their employees, bringing the factory back to America. So they moved all these Scottish people to Kearney, New Jersey. So in Kearney, New Jersey, everybody talks like me. If that were true, it would be awesome, wouldn't it? There's some truth in it, I think you'll find. The parts that aren't lies. No, that's true; there are a lot of Scottish people in Kearney, New Jersey. When I first lived in New York City, I used to go--when I first came, I was kind of homesick for crap food. So I would go out; I would go out to Kearney, New Jersey, where you can still get a lot of Scottish sodas and, you know, bits of meat, and, you know, animal pelts and stuff. And I would go and get them and devour them. It was awesome. [He sighs.] I'm glad that story's over too.

Betty in Omaha, NE ["Which is in Nebraska. I know that because I'm a-sittin' here, knowin' stuff about America."]: Why do you wear long ties with big knots?

Craig: Oh, very simple; for me it symbolizes the penis. Although clearly the tie is smaller, but um. You heard me, censors. The censors are sitting back there going, Hm. Really, smaller? I'm sittin' here tellin' you there's gonna be a commercial break, and we'll be right back...

I did this one by hand, because I was computerless at my brother's house, and thus it's super-paraphrased for this show. Transcripts are welcome, and appreciated, of course. In any case, here's the gist of things.

E-mail song: Yes Craig there's time, so open your mind for a magical ride on e-mail. Blisters on me fingers.

Susan in Puerto Rico: How's your tooth?

Craig explains that he had a tooth extracted, shows the camera a close-up. Now that it's healed, he says, the dental team is going to put in an implant, and he's "trying different implants to see what fits best. It's like Cinderella with the slipper."

Patty in Red Bank, NJ: Can you plump us up again? [She explains that before, Craig went up to the camera and "plumped [us] up."

Craig climbs up over his desk and coaxes a different camera towards him. "Come into the light. We have light spots. Come right up close to your television." He gropes the air right in front of the camera. "There you go."